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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29502741">you dried my hair</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bijouu/pseuds/Bijouu'>Bijouu</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Therapy, Non-Linear Narrative, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Slice of Life, Teacher Hueningkai, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Web Developer Soobin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 01:41:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,598</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29502741</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bijouu/pseuds/Bijouu</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Soobin and Kai learn to navigate the line between accepting help and offering too much of it. </p><p>"Soobin brushed his teeth that morning, and Kai knew because he had been keeping track. On better days, it would be used and wet on their shared bathroom sink. On not-so-better days, Soobin would stare at the bathroom door like there was a battle on the other side, and in a way, Kai knew that there sort of was. </p><p>Again, Kai walked the tightrope."</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Choi Soobin/Huening Kai</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>73</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>you dried my hair</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello this is twt user @soobimoroll<br/>If you've kept up with me on twitter, you might know that there's something going on in my life right now that's keeping me from writing like usual. But I've had this in the drafts and thought maybe I'd post it before really going on hiatus.</p><p>Please keep in mind the tags and the tenses! This is non-linear.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Soobin’s back is wide and firm, though he isn’t doing anything heroic or grand. His hair is stuck up in a million and one places, but Kai still thinks that Soobin looks amazing, just humming something under his breath as he makes their breakfast drinks. It’s coffee with sugar and half-and-half for Soobin, and earl grey with honey for Kai. Although it’s just another day, Kai gratefully accepts his cute, pastel blue tea mug from Soobin’s hands, and falls in love with the other over and over again. </p><p>“Your bacon’s getting cold,” Kai teases, sitting himself back into his chair and stretching his legs out under their tiny kitchen table. They’ve definitely outgrown this little apartment of theirs, but the memories (and rent) make it a little too good for them to let go of just yet. “Stir faster!”</p><p>“Can’t, ‘m gonna spill,” Soobin mumbles, a little too-focused and not-focused-at-all on spooning sugar into his coffee. When Soobin finally sits at the table, his knee knocks the table leg and Kai snorts at the scrunched expression on Soobin’s still sleepy face.</p><p>“Let me help,” Kai insists, when Soobin searches, and fails, to find free space on the table for his coffee. It’s cramped, but they have always managed to make the space work for the both of them. Soobin argues against Kai’s fussing at first, but drinks up the attention later, just to mess with Kai a little bit.</p><p>“You care about me that much, don’t you, Kai-yah?” Soobin teases, and Kai gives him a deadpan expression, much to Soobin’s amusement. </p><p>They have a humble spread of an American-style breakfast on this fine Saturday morning, and nothing could be better.</p><p> </p><p>Things have been so much better.</p><p> </p><p>Before, Kai felt helpless. </p><p>“Come sit with me awhile,” he suggested, light and open for refusal, even if his eyes were pleading and pleading. “I’m just gonna update the kids’ gradebook today.”</p><p>It was early still, but not so ridiculous for the weekend. Kai knew the both of them had slept for plenty long enough, yet the dark patches beneath Soobin’s eyes showed that mentally, that wasn’t the case. When Soobin nodded, Kai didn’t know whether it was from conscious decision or from habit.</p><p>“Are you not having breakfast?”</p><p>“I’m not that hungry. If I eat right now, I’ll get an upset stomach,” Soobin answered. When he sat across Kai and thought Kai wasn’t watching, he slumped right into their tiny kitchen chair. </p><p>Kai frowned, but didn’t press. It wasn’t his job as Soobin’s partner to tell him what to do or how to feel. Due to recent cuts and department funding mismanagement, Soobin was suddenly on a new quest in seeking employment again. Kai kept his eyes down.</p><p>He knew it wasn’t easy. Soobin’s first job opportunity had been a lucky dream, full of benefits and a sizable pay and flexible schedule. It was only a bandaid, to say that opportunities come and go, and Kai had only said it once to Soobin, to bring him off of a self-doubt ledge that he’d placed himself on. Money didn’t mean happiness, but it did mean security, and although Kai’s salary could keep them afloat, he knew that Soobin hated feeling so displaced. </p><p>One breakfast was easy to miss.</p><p>Two breakfasts were easy to skip.</p><p>Kai felt like drowning, knowing Soobin was waking up hungry but unable to put food in his mouth, like he was too exhausted some days to make it out of bed before noon, or that he didn’t deserve to waste something that he didn’t ‘contribute’ to get. </p><p>(In hushed conversations, late at night and in each other’s space, Soobin had tearfully confessed that he didn’t know what to do, that people in his field weren’t hiring, and that becoming a deadweight to Kai had always been one of his biggest fears. </p><p>And Kai listened carefully, petting at Soobin’s hair and ignoring the wetness he felt from Soobin’s tears on his shoulders. Once, Kai used to be the one who cried all the time, but Soobin was more sensitive in private than how he let anyone else believe. It would be insensitive, just to say “it’ll be okay” to Soobin and let that be the end of it. </p><p>“I know,” Kai whispered instead. “We’ll keep looking for something, and if it helps you to feel better, you can help me out with grading.”)</p><p>Even if the stress hurt Soobin’s stomach, turning his appetite away from anything that wasn’t just morning coffee, Kai would make an extra slice of toast with strawberry jam for him anyway, just in case. </p><p>Kai knew that this feeling of “failure” was a bigger phantom than Soobin would like Kai to believe. Soobin didn’t eat some days, caught in that mental cell, but Kai never forced him to eat. When Soobin was ready again, when he stole bites of food from Kai’s plate and cheekily popped it into his mouth, Kai didn’t make a big deal out of it. He instead pushed his plate in between the both of them and shared. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“I still have stuff to grade,” Kai mumbles around a mouthful of food. “Do you have time to help today? Only if you wanna. It’s not that much to begin with.”</p><p>“Um, I need to look over one thing for the webdev team, but if you still need help after, I can help,” Soobin answers, smiling fondly at Kai’s appreciative bump of their knees beneath the table. Despite how cramped they are, Kai and Soobin don’t have much space for complaint. They have managed to make the space work, and in some way, it forced them to be more mindful of each other.</p><p>Kai adjusts the glasses on his face when they start sliding down the bridge of his nose. The food is delicious, and the both of them eat like it’s the best meal they’ve ever had.</p><p>Soobin is silent, just eating across from Kai until his puffy morning cheeks get stuffed with food, but Kai smiles in adoration anyway. Something sings in the corner of the room, probably the washer and their clothes, and Kai doesn’t miss the way that Soobin turns to look for it. “We started laundry?”</p><p>“Yeah, I did when you were brushing your teeth,” Kai answers, moving more bacon onto Soobin’s plate to bring his attention back to the table. “We don’t have to hang up the clothes right away, yeah?”</p><p>“Mmhm,” Soobin hums, and when he shakes his leg, it makes the table rock a little bit. Not that Kai minds; he’d rather see Soobin jittering and moving as he usually does, instead of being strangely still.</p><p>They finish breakfast, and Kai loves him.</p><p>They wash dishes, shoulder to shoulder and much too cramped in the tiny place, and Kai loves him.</p><p>They sneakily steal hugs and fond touches, and they decide to stay in their pajamas all day, and Kai loves him still.</p><p>Later, when they sit in the office to work, the papers and sticky notes everywhere don’t bother either of them. They like to have a little bit of the mess; it makes this apartment feel more lived in.</p><p> </p><p>Things are okay. Kai and Soobin know what to do, though for some time before, they were a bit lost. <br/><br/></p><p> </p><p>“I can’t land an interview,” Soobin confessed, tired and broken spirited. Kai looked up from his spreadsheet, watching how lethargic even Soobin’s blinking was. “I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”</p><p>It was barely February at the time, and their small apartment drank in the cold from the outside. “It’s barely been a month,” Kai commented, catching the furrow of Soobin’s brow. </p><p>“I know, but that’s one less month of…” </p><p>“Of what?” Kai asked, closing his laptop. He curiously bent to look, attempting to read more into Soobin’s expression as he had always been able to do, but Soobin kept his eyes away. “We’re doing okay.”</p><p>Soobin made a pained, scrunched expression and shook his head, leaving the conversation at that.</p><p>Kai didn’t understand the extent of Soobin's frustration at the time. He hugged Soobin around the shoulders whenever he had the chance, but Soobin’s fingers holding onto his own had become so cold.</p><p>He noticed it after a while longer, coming home from work to see that Soobin had scrubbed the bottoms of all their cooking pots completely clean. </p><p>“What are you up to?” Kai asked, setting his work bag onto the floor. </p><p>“I thought I’d clean these,” Soobin answered, giving a pan one last rinse under the faucet. </p><p>Kai handed Soobin a kitchen towel to dry his hands on once they were close enough. “Oh. Thank you,” Kai sheepishly answered, though he was hesitant when he took the towel away again. </p><p>A hug, a kiss. Kai’s feet were sore from working all day, but they dragged themselves once again into the kitchen to make dinner together at least. </p><p>Soobin’s hair had grown out a bit, but Kai liked to be able to play with it. He knew though, that it had simply just become a little too hard for Soobin to take care of himself. As a result, he’d taken to other methods to feel like he had a control on things.</p><p>Such as scrubbing everything in this tiny place clean, except for his hair, or the accumulating old mugs on Soobin’s dusty work desk. </p><p>Kai didn’t want to be the one to force Soobin to shut down, even though the other’s mind was on overdrive and making him work through meaningless tasks under the impression that it would be “useful” somehow. As they were getting ready for bed, Kai silently started the shower. At the time, he felt guilty, knowing that Soobin was quite an independent person, and that it was really difficult to be in either one of their positions to begin with.</p><p>To Soobin, Soobin was a failure. He was someone who promised everything and the world to Kai, and took his hand and promised to be in this together, but now; there was nothing for him to do. He couldn’t provide, couldn’t get Kai to stop worrying. Sometimes, Soobin couldn’t stop crying, and other times, he couldn’t cry, even when he desperately needed it. Job hunting was tedious and full of failures, and even though they were “making it,” Soobin felt terrible for having to think twice before turning on the heater, just in case it ran the utilities bill a little too high.</p><p>To Kai, Soobin was his best friend and a precious person who he couldn’t stand seeing so run down. As time had gone on, one month, two months, and as Soobin slipped further and further away from his actual self, the more desperate Kai felt to gather all the pieces of Soobin and try with trembling and confused fingers to put him back together again.</p><p>He knew though, it wasn’t his job to do that. It was something Soobin needed to overcome, and Kai could only support him along the way.</p><p>For so long, Kai walked on that tightrope, thousands of feet above an empty canyon. He wanted to wave a magic wand and turn all of Soobin’s demons and insecurities to dust, but instead of holding a magic wand, Kai continued down the tightrope with a balancing stick in his hands.</p><p>One foot in front of another.</p><p>Kai had to sort himself between being comforting and overbearing, and realistic while still maintaining positivity. He kept Soobin busy, having him mindlessly stamp little things into the corners of his students’ graded homework in their little kiddie folders. He handed Soobin colorful construction paper and scissors to cut out seasonal decorations for the classroom. Following patterns was easy, and Soobin liked to feel useful. Kai would let Soobin work at it on his own. They both knew it was to get Soobin’s self-destructive self image just a little more under control.</p><p>Kai knew. He couldn’t eliminate Soobin’s sadness. That wasn’t how depression worked; Kai could be here and offer all the help he had, but the better option would be to keep Soobin’s hand in his, through anything that happened.</p><p> </p><p>Kai knows now, how dedicated Soobin has been in keeping his feet firmly on the floor. </p><p> </p><p>He’s as sturdy as a tree, Kai thinks when they squish themselves onto their couch on Saturday nights, when work has been done and they can actually indulge in each other. “This couch is too small,” Kai whines, arms around Soobin’s torso. Their knees are uncomfortable, and Kai’s back will ache if he stays in this position, but all he wants to do is keep himself close.</p><p>“You grew too big,” Soobin teases, comfortably sliding a hand down Kai’s thigh to hold the back of his knee and prevent Kai from sliding off the couch. </p><p>Kai decides to remedy this, swinging both of his legs sideways over Soobin’s lap and kicking a leg out at Soobin when the other continues to tease him. Soobin very easily ceases Kai’s tantrum by holding his calf instead. “I didn’t,” Kai defends, though he hasn’t been mad to begin with. “I’ve always been this big.”</p><p>“No you haven’t,” Soobin snorts, and when Kai, with a deadpan expression, reaches up to pull at his cheeks, Soobin yelps and lets go of him. “Spare me, spare me, you punk!” </p><p>Only when Soobin’s cheeks are finally set free does he gather Kai (ridiculously large, almost the same height as him and now grown into his broad shoulders and pretty hips) back into his arms. He turns them around, shuffling against the cushions so he can once use Kai as a pillow instead. “You’ve always had this… I dunno. This feeling,” Soobin explains, smiling softly when Kai only sighs in defeat. “Strong like a rock, even with your dainty hands, Kai-yah.” </p><p>Kai wants to accept the praise, but it makes his ears feel hot instead, and he just finds his fingers in Soobin’s hair. This is their lazy day, and they’re plenty in love, but Kai feels it a little more strongly on little moments like this. “Dainty hands, huh?” He laughs, giving Soobin’s fringe a more forceful ruffle than necessary. He loves how Soobin scrunches his nose and reaches up to pinch at Kai’s side. It used to make him squeak and scream, but now it just feels like comfort in one grip. </p><p>“Pretty fingers and nails,” Soobin explains, blinking up at Kai, and Kai tickles his fingers under the other’s chin.</p><p>“If you keep on admiring me like that, then…”</p><p>“Then what?”</p><p>Kai shrugs.</p><p>They don’t need to say they love each other; they just love each other. They’ve had that time before, the words coming out over and over again, but now it’s less necessary. It’s more explicit in their actions and in the time they share. They have learned to love each other without words. </p><p>It’s like how Soobin closes his eyes and hums like a big, appreciative cat of sorts. It’s kind of like how Kai’s gentle fingers work through the knots in Soobin’s unbrushed hair, just because he likes to feel him- likes to be useful too. When Soobin takes extra good care other times, rubbing the pain from Kai’s stiff hips and knees, and how he kisses every freckle and mole on Kai’s skin, that’s all love. </p><p>Because of Kai’s height and the nature of tiny people that he works with, the once-curves of his spine have become a super stiff, uncomfortable lump of bones. It feels oh-so-good when Soobin presses his thumbs in and massages away each and every knot. Sometimes, Kai lays face down and shirtless on their still too small bed, and Soobin looms over him with his heavenly large palms. It feels like they remain that way for hours, Kai melting into the bed with pinkish skin, but it is hardly more than fifteen minutes before Soobin whines about his fingers hurting. </p><p>Soobin falls asleep like that sometimes, napping with his weight on Kai’s back and shoulder blades. And maybe Kai likes it a little too much. Just as Soobin keeps reminding him, Kai really has grown, from the span of his shoulders to the strength of his back. He became this strong all by himself, and Kai greedily wants to support Soobin as much and healthily as possible. </p><p>Soobin’s weight, snoring into his shoulder, bits of stubble scratchy on Kai’s skin, is all the comfort Kai needs to know Soobin is here.</p><p> </p><p>There was a time once, when he was afraid.</p><p> </p><p>Soobin brushed his teeth that morning, and Kai knew because he had been keeping track. On better days, it would be used and wet on their shared bathroom sink. On not-so-better days, Soobin would stare at the bathroom door like there was a battle on the other side, and in a way, Kai knew that there sort of was. </p><p>Again, Kai walked the tightrope.</p><p>“Want to come lay with me?” Kai asked, tired and aching from work. “We can just be there- I don’t even want a massage,” he sheepishly added.</p><p>Kai knew Soobin needed it. Since time continued on, and the number of companies hiring decreased and decreased, Soobin’s will had begun to shrink. Little veins that Kai didn’t even know existed appeared on Soobin’s lower eyelids. Kai had never seen him so pale.</p><p>“Huh? I was gonna maybe do the dishes and kitchen counters right now,” Soobin answered with an equally uneasy frown.</p><p>Despite the ache in Kai’s bones, he pushed himself up. He wasn’t a martyr, hell, Kai honestly had no idea what the fuck was going on with Soobin’s recent tenacity for cleanliness, or how he simultaneously wanted to be in any room except the one that Kai was in. “Can I help a little?” Kai asked instead, and despite Soobin’s skeptical expression, the older gestured for him to follow.</p><p>Kai couldn’t take his eyes off of Soobin. The roots of his hair were greasy, though the ends looked so brittle. He didn’t want to go naming just anything for anyone, especially for Soobin, someone so silently prideful.</p><p>Silently suffering.</p><p>“Actually- I swear I heard the dryer go off,” Soobin sighed, nervous.</p><p>Nervous around <em> Kai </em>. That was new. It wasn’t something that Kai would have ever thought to have erupted from Soobin’s insecurities. It hurt more than he’d like to admit.</p><p>“Kai-yah, do the dishes and I’ll fold the laundry,” Soobin suggested, and Kai barely had any time to open his mouth in reply before the other was gone. They only had one hallway; it was small there. Kai could have easily turned around the wall to find him, but he felt forbidden from doing so. </p><p>There was only one pan, one set of cutlery, and a used mug from earlier that morning resting on the bottom of the sink. Kai picked up the sponge and wondered, if Soobin was so upset as he was, why was Kai not suffering the same way? Kai couldn’t understand the pain, but the anxiety made his hands tremble under the soapy water. </p><p>What else could Kai do? This loss was impacting Soobin in more ways than Kai would ever be able to understand. When the person you love moves farther and farther into their own head, and the real world is nothing but a painful reminder, what are you supposed to do? Was that supposed to be Kai’s responsibility? Kai didn’t want to do anything that turned him into a savior. Realistically, Soobin would only feel more right-side-up with self determination and professional help. There are only so many things a person can do for someone they love; there’s only such a reasonable amount of pain a person can kiss away.</p><p>When they were younger, no one talked about what it was like, for your mental health to decline. Simply “being in love” is not a remedy for such things.</p><p>It wasn’t beautiful.</p><p>It was heartbreaking.</p><p>It was scary.</p><p>It was incredibly irritating. </p><p>Soobin exhaled in disbelief, tossing a kitchen rag onto the counter one day.</p><p>Kai thought he was doing well by luring Soobin out of their bedroom, into a daytime full of sun and promises to do something nice, spend some moments together because it felt like whatever was going on, that they talked and didn’t talk about, was wedging them further apart too. And Kai missed Soobin, but love doesn’t cure insecurity, and yearning doesn’t make hugs suddenly turn meaningful, and depression doesn’t just go away in the sunlight.</p><p>When Soobin had come out of their bedroom, he had immediately pulled all the curtains shut.</p><p>“You put this in the dishwasher,” Soobin commented, gesturing to the not-yet put away, freshly clean kitchen things on the counter.</p><p>“Yeah, they were cluttering a little. So I just wanted to put them away,” Kai answered, trying not to seem so upset by Soobin’s on-edge tone. Since he’d practically dragged the other out of their room, he knew that Soobin was hating every second. He knew that Soobin wanted to be alone, but Kai also didn’t want to be alone either.</p><p>“It’s a nonstick pan,” Soobin mumbled. He turned back to the counter, and Kai could still catch the remaining scowl on Soobin’s unschooled, pissed expression.</p><p>Since when had his eyes become so dark?</p><p>“Yeah… well it’s washed now,” Kai shrugged, feeling something like embarrassment and failure burning in his chest. In what seemed to be like a positive idea, they were instead tense and not looking at each other in their small kitchen. Kai could have easily reached out, held Soobin’s hands like they used to do all the time, but since disappearing so far into his head, Soobin had seemed repulsed by any touch.</p><p>(“I don’t deserve it, Kai-yah. I don’t want it, <em> please </em> just leave me alone.”)</p><p>“Yeah, and you’re going to mess up the coating if you do it again,” Soobin snapped. “Just let me do it next time.”</p><p>Kai crossed his arms. “I’m sorry… I was just helping out. You do all the dishes all the time.”</p><p>“And I <em> don’t </em> need your help to finish them.”</p><p>“Yes, you do,” Kai asserted, watching shock and hurt flicker across Soobin’s expression. “I messed up once by not hand-washing it. Am I allowed to do that…? Mess up sometimes?”</p><p>Soobin searched Kai’s expression, eyes flickering back and forth between Kai’s questioning gaze. He looked so strange like that, Kai thought. His shoulders had sunken in, like he was exhausted. He didn’t quite look the same as before. This person in front of him looked so afraid.</p><p>Kai felt guilty for it- guilty, guilty, <em> guilty </em> . He was so irritated, even faking a smile was impossible, but why was he acting that way <em> knowing </em> Soobin was having a difficult time?</p><p>“If you don’t do it right once, then I have to go over it a second time. It’s extra work,” Soobin answered after the shock had finally drained from his face.</p><p>Kai could feel the fire between them, wanted to put his hands on it and prevent it from turning into a full on blaze. He felt like the only option that he had was to douse it in water, but the only things they had was gasoline and their tiny home. The walls would be engulfed in seconds. </p><p>“No, you don’t,” Kai sighed. “I can fix it, I’ll do it a second time or a third. It’s just. It’s just a pan! Why do you want to <em> argue </em> with me so badly?”</p><p>It was too much for Kai. </p><p>Too much his fault, too much Soobin’s fault. He poured his love for Soobin in buckets and buckets. The walls were so close and Kai wanted to shove them away. Nothing was right- it was suffocating to hell because nothing that Kai did was good enough, nothing that Kai said was ever comforting enough, and he knew it wasn’t his fault, but it wasn’t Soobin’s fault either. </p><p>“I’m arguing because you’re trying to do things and- be helpful and pick up my <em> slack </em> and I’m telling you, I can do it on my own!”</p><p>Kai groaned, unfolding his arms. </p><p>A part of him wanted to complain and argue more, but another told him that it would be a selfish, ridiculous, and childish thing to do, especially since it was Soobin who was having a difficult time.</p><p>It was Soobin who was having it <em> worse </em>. </p><p>“You just want to argue,” Kai accused, trying to swallow back the pressure in his chest. “You don’t care what about, you just want me to get mad at you. I’m not going to do it.”</p><p>“That’s not true,” Soobin objected, and just as soon as there was emotion in Soobin’s face, it was completely wiped clean. Kai searched and searched in Soobin’s expression, tried to hear anything in his tone, but all he was met with was cold stone.  “Kai. Let me do it next time. It’s my job, not yours.”</p><p>When had Kai become so desperate? Grossly, it made him grit his teeth. </p><p>“I can do it too. We don’t have jobs to split between us, we share this thing. It’s just <em> dishes </em>,” Kai answered, refusing to let his eyes fall. Soobin was stoic, so much that Kai could almost feel the wall in Soobin’s eyes. Instead of seeing Soobin there, there was only Kai’s own reflection.</p><p>Kai wanted to be useful.</p><p>He wanted to take the burden from Soobin’s shoulders. </p><p>He just wanted to spend the day with his best friend.</p><p>How did he let things become like this? </p><p>(No, no. It wasn’t about him or Soobin- it was everything. There was too much <em> everything </em>, and they both had insecurities to work through. They both wanted to keep them secret from each other. They didn’t want to be the burden.)</p><p>“Kai, <em> stop </em>,” Soobin snapped, and his tone was sharp, but his face so, so empty. Depression looked different on different people, and Kai never truly learned how to navigate this Soobin in front of him. This Soobin was the same as before, but more vulnerable. More raw. More withdrawn, more-</p><p> </p><p>Selfish.</p><p> </p><p>How could Soobin not see that Kai was suffering too? Why was only one of them allowed to hurt at a time? Why was it okay for Soobin to hurt Kai’s feelings like that, but for Kai to tiptoe and try to be positive and watch Soobin carefully every single day? Why did Soobin refuse to look at Kai anymore, why did he refuse to be in the same room?</p><p>This place - their home - was too damn small, wherever Kai turned, he saw Soobin.</p><p>Kai wanted to make it all stop. He couldn’t fix a single thing. He swallowed but didn’t flinch when Soobin tried to get around him - when Soobin tried to get out of their cramped, annoyingly spotless kitchen.</p><p>“This isn’t fair,” Kai said, voice firm, even if he felt like collapsing. “Please. Don’t just leave me here.”</p><p>“I’m- look. I know you’re upset, but I don’t know what to do for you. I can’t just get un-fucking-sad,” Soobin sighed harshly, and Kai wanted to reach out, take Soobin’s hands again and rub away all the self-hate in his words, but <em> love doesn’t work like that </em>. Life was not glamorous; a kiss would not fix this. “I’m not the same, and for holding you back all the time-”</p><p>“Just ‘cus you lost your job, Soobin?” Kai asked in disbelief, shaking his head. “I don’t care about that. We’re doing <em> fine </em>. You’re under a lot of stress, but please let me take some of it. I can handle it.”</p><p>Soobin’s eyes were hollow. Kai watched Soobin press his lips together, like he was thinking a million things but holding each and every thought tightly behind his teeth. </p><p>Kai didn’t know what he was doing wrong. He had never been so unsure of himself, ever in his life. “Hyung, please. I’m exhausted too,” Kai confessed, picking at the skin by his fingernails. “I want you to tell me what I can do for you.”</p><p>“You can’t do anything.”</p><p>Kai’s fingers trembled.</p><p>“I’m telling you to stop.... Stop trying to help me. By doing all of this, by trying to help, you’re making it worse.”</p><p>Soobin’s shoulders were slack, and Kai chewed at the inside of his cheeks. Pure truths, no bluffs. Kai wanted to sink into the ground; no, not really. Kai wanted Soobin to comfort him too.</p><p>He could feel it again, the overwhelming pressure to “fix this” coupled with the realization that he couldn’t. Then, came the dread of having to wait. Then, came the pain of fighting these fights alone.</p><p>It wasn’t Soobin’s fault that Kai’s eyes began to water, but it wasn’t Kai’s fault that Soobin’s didn’t.</p><p>“I- I need to be alone, I can’t be here right now,” Soobin whispered, stammering and fumbling as Kai tried to bite down on his lip and prevent it from trembling even more. Still, tears spilled from his eyes, and the kitchen counter felt like it was too close. </p><p>Soobin’s head hung low, and when he reached across Kai for his wallet and car keys, Kai could see just how badly the other’s fingers shook too.</p><p>When Soobin left, Kai let himself into the shower to think and sob.</p><p>He hadn’t felt so insecure before, not since he was a confused and scared teenager, and even then, Soobin had been there. Soobin had always been there. He kept his palms on his chest, closed his eyes. He pretended they were Soobin’s. How long had it been since Soobin had actually touched him? How did he fail soobin that much?</p><p>Kai was a confident person. He didn’t let people walk all over him, and in their relationship, there wasn’t a power imbalance at all. Kai and Soobin were equals, and Kai took care of Soobin just as Soobin took care of Kai. </p><p>This situation was new to them; Kai couldn’t have been blamed for getting emotional. He cried until his nose became completely clogged, and his face had become so splotchy and red. His lips felt dry; Kai knew the start to his headache was dehydration, but he didn’t want to get out of bed. He wanted to be selfish too; he wanted Soobin to hold him again.</p><p> </p><p>Beomgyu texted Kai later in the day, saying Soobin was at his place, that he was okay and didn’t bring his phone.</p><p> </p><p>&gt;<em> Kai, he’s a mess. </em></p><p>&gt;<em> But that doesn’t mean it was okay to hurt your feelings. He already told me what happened, and he really regrets it.  </em></p><p>&gt;<em> If you don’t want to be alone tonight, hyung’ll let Taehyunnie know, okay? </em></p><p>&gt;<em> We can talk about this later if u want </em></p><p>&gt;<em> Please let me know </em></p><p> </p><p>Kai watched the messages as they came in, saw the dot-dot-dots of Beomgyu’s typing, but instead lay in bed with wet hair.</p><p>He only wanted to help. </p><p>As he cried for the second time that day, Kai realized his nervous overbearance had suffocated Soobin in the walls of their home. It was everywhere. The bed for once, was much too big. </p><p>The next day, Kai had taken another shower in the morning, wanting to feel like the water ran off his sadness from the previous day, and it helped; just a little. He sat on the living room floor with work scattered around him and no Soobin to help stamp little hearts and stars in the corners of graded pages.</p><p>When Soobin came home to see him there, he wordlessly took Kai by the hand and brought him into the bathroom. The hairdryer was warm on Kai’s scalp, but he shivered anyway.</p><p>Soobin was gentle, shaking his fingers through Kai’s wet hair. It was too cramped, the bathroom sink dug into Kai’s side. Once the hairdryer turned off and the room was silent, Kai faced their reflections in the mirror. They were the same.</p><p> </p><p>Dry hair, wet eyes.</p><p> </p><p>Kai likes it when Soobin invites him to do meaningless things together. It’s safe and sweet, and Kai feels like it’s because Soobin likes his company. It works because Kai likes Soobin’s company too. That’s why when Soobin asks if he’d like to visit the mailbox together, Kai puts on his shoes.</p><p>“The smell of rain is nice,” Soobin hums, lazily holding Kai around the waist. When they walk, Kai likes it when their hips and shoulders bump into each other. It reminds Kai that Soobin is here.</p><p>(“It’s not like a- trauma thing? Is it? I feel like I look for these reassurances all the time.”</p><p>“Something can be reassuring and also something you just <em> like </em>,” Kai’s older sister, Lea, had answered sweetly. “Bring it up with your therapist though. I have a sticky note in my bag somewhere- wanna write it down?”</p><p>“Yes, please.”)</p><p>And she had been right. Kai allows himself the time to be happy when he feels happy. The concrete is wet, and if Kai weren’t in sandals, he would splash in it. “I hope it rains more later,” Kai mumbles, only for Soobin to hear. “Isn’t there supposed to be a thunderstorm?”</p><p>A thunderstorm won’t hurt; they’re together in this little bubble that they worked very hard to create.</p><p>“Oh noooo,” Soobin drones, opening the mailbox and stacking the (mostly advertisements) letters into the crook of his elbow. “Guess we have no choice but to stay home, fuuuuuck.” </p><p>Kai laughs at that, bright and loud as he snatches some of the leaflets from Soobin, just to tease him. “Oh, I know, you poor thing. It’s okay, you wanna be with me all day, all night? Prove my auntie right- you’re my chewing gum?”</p><p>“Your family never lives that down,” Soobin complains with pink cheeks.</p><p>“So do yours,” Kai snorts.</p><p>“It’s the other way around- Kai-yah never wants to leave my side,” Soobin says, fakely, cutely scrunching his nose up. When he continues, shimmying his shoulders, Kai looks at him with a deadpan expression and the other splutters a laugh through his cheeks. “God! That never gets old… This argument never gets old.”</p><p>They individually talked about that with their therapists too- how this clinginess had been an insecurity before, and that’s why they tease each other so much about it now. They needed that reassurance, genuinely, in the past, but time has gone and they’ve worked so hard together that their doubts have become just doubts, and their actions are so full of weight. </p><p>Soobin likes to remind Kai sometimes, how incredible it was that they were able to have some guidance, and that he personally believes some days are better than others, but they’re an absolute unit now. Kai knows that to even be in this situation, with access to help, is a privilege all on its own, and that having Soobin work with him through this is also a huge privilege as well.</p><p>He appreciatively enjoys what they have, that much more. </p><p>Under the sky, the fresh rain from this morning is chilling and soberin too. The stack of mail is teeny tiny, but they split it in half between them when they walk.</p><p>The sky feels so gigantic.</p><p>When it does pour that evening, the lightning storm knocks out the power, so they pull the curtains back and let the lightning illuminate the room. Soobin clings to Kai, feeling the other’s thighs and stomach and hips because they’re “perfect, and your skin is so soft.”</p><p>It took some relearning, but they now allow themselves to be loved. “I wanna take you on a date,” Soobin mumbles, eyes closed and cheek smooshed against Kai’s shoulder. The couch was too little for the both of them, so they’ve settled on piling their long limbs on the floor, pushing their old coffee table way out to the side. His chin stabs Kai a little, so he pushes at Soobin’s cheek until it gets more comfortable. “We can order bingsu.”</p><p>“Are we gonna make some delivery person suffer this storm for our bingsu?” Kai laughs, but the suggestion felt incredibly warm in his chest anyways. When they had first gotten together, and even before then, their relatives had teased about how clingy they were, but neither of them really paid it any attention. </p><p>Kai likes the way that Soobin holds him; he appreciates how Soobin trusts him with his entire body and heart and mind. It’s a lot to carry, but Soobin doesn’t expect Kai to handle them all at the same time, and Soobin is incredibly mindful at providing the same comfort to Kai. </p><p>“You’re right,” Soobin sighs, just as a flash of lightning brightens the walls in their living room. They’re just two paces from the kitchen, and three from the hallway, and the tight squeeze of space basically turns into one big flashlight each time lightning strikes, but Kai thinks it’s pretty. He sees the little mole beside Soobin’s nose and feels happy. “After the storm. Even if it’s late.”</p><p>“Midnight bingsu,” Kai hums in thought, stretching his legs out in front of him. Even though cuddling like this is relaxing and romantic, it doesn’t stop his butt and feet from falling asleep. “It’ll probably be kind of late… but as long as you can wake me up in the morning?”</p><p>“You’re usually up before I am,” Soobin sighs again, pushing himself up. He seems to consider something, looking over at his phone, and then shaking his head when Kai raises an eyebrow at him. “What?”</p><p>“What are you planning?” Kai asks, looking between Soobin’s phone and the other who does a terrible job at keeping his expression masked. </p><p>“Nothing!” Soobin answers, and Kai immediately grabs him by the shoulders and begins to <em> climb </em>. “I mean it!” Soobin laughs, finding himself with a lap full of Kai, who pulls at his ears and the skin of his neck just to make Soobin wiggle around.</p><p>Kai tries to look serious, but when Soobin laughs, it makes his heart sing and he can’t help but laugh too. He’s much too old to be doing this; he’s too big to fit on Soobin’s lap without squishing him, but Soobin still holds him around the hips like the discomfort doesn’t even matter.  “I don’t know if I believe you,” Kai accuses. </p><p>Soobin’s palms are large and warm, and Kai is used to having Soobin somewhere nearby. They feel just right, even if they had a habit of making Kai feel a little ticklish. </p><p>“I was thinking about ordering bingsu anyway,” Soobin confesses, and Kai rolls his eyes just as more lightning splits through the sky and thunder rattles their roof. “I’d feel bad- I really would! About who has to deliver it, but…” </p><p>"If you have to say 'but', then you weren't really that sorry," Kai laughs again. "I think I remember there being popsicles in the freezer. It's like a message from the universe to have popsicles instead of bingsu."</p><p>Soobin agreed; he was just that type of person in general, to settle with the most convenient option anyway. Kai has grape and Soobin has strawberry, and they sit there plainly on the small living room carpet, trying not to complain about the cold or the rain or the lightning. It's a message from the universe, alright, an opportunity given by the gods for the two of them to relax and stay home.</p><p> </p><p>Cheekily, their finished popsicle sticks are abandoned sometime later on the pushed coffee table, and they kiss each others' lips red and purple, strawberry and grape.</p><p> </p><p>It had been like an opportunity given to Kai from the gods. His close friend, Taehyun, had gotten Kai in contact with someone from Taehyun’s workplace about possible employment, and just as it was before: it sounded like a dream. “I hope that Soobin-ssi will consider taking this. Taehyun forwarded me his virtual portfolio and… I think his work would be a great addition to our company!” </p><p>Kai had taken the folder with confident hands, eyes gleaming. This was it. He hadn’t asked Taehyun to put in a word for Soobin; Taehyun must have done it out of his personal goodness. “I’ll be sure he gets this folder as soon as possible,” Kai promised, unable to help but smile when Yeonjun did. </p><p>The other was captivating, and he seemed earnest in what Taehyun had explained to him, and also from this first meeting that they shared. “I hope so. I also highlighted the benefits, just in case he’s weighing between offers and wants to see what our company has to offer.”</p><p>“I completely understand,” Kai politely smiled. In fact, this was the first offer that Soobin had received at all. “I’m certain he’ll carefully look over these. I’m sorry that you had to come all this way.”</p><p>Yeonjun shook his head, waved a hand. “Don’t worry about it. It’s… unconventional to do things on paper instead of over email, but I didn’t want to intrude over something. Consider this… scouting!”</p><p>So Yeonjun did know a little bit about Kai and Soobin’s situation, but he must have been spared the details by Taehyun, to have independently looked over Soobin’s online projects, and to have actively seeked out a method of contacting Soobin.</p><p>Kai didn’t have the time to be skeptical. He just knew that this was going to be life changing- Soobin could have something now, could manage something, could feel more confident in himself if things went through okay.</p><p> </p><p>It began to pour.</p><p> </p><p>“Won’t you just let me help you?” Kai snapped, gesturing to the folder on their too-small kitchen table that they haven’t actually used in a month. “The opportunity is right <em> here </em>, I just don’t understand why you can’t just take it.”</p><p>His voice wasn’t raised. Kai never raised his voice when he was upset. Though his jaw and throat felt tight, and he felt that incredibly annoying feeling of burning behind his eyes that he hasn’t felt since high school, Kai refused to let up. Soobin’s eyes were on fire, but Kai’s felt like they would soon begin to drown. </p><p>“I don’t want your handouts, I can do it myself,” Soobin insisted, shoving his hands into the pockets of his sweatpants. The irritation was obvious in his brow, in the grimace of his lips. “You can take this folder away now, Kai, I don’t <em> need </em> it.”</p><p>It wasn’t that Kai had gone out of his way to obtain this job offer. He’d spoken to a friend when he needed it, and that person so happened to be quite generous in return. Kai knew that connections were almost more important than skill in life, but with the way that Soobin looked through the folder in disgust, all Kai wanted to do was slam the door closed on their little apartment and pretend that there was nothing going on. He wanted to pretend that their shoulders here weren’t trembling, or that they were forced to endure this little space.</p><p>God, it was suffocating. </p><p>Kai bit onto his bottom lip to keep it from trembling. “I’m trying to help you. I know you don’t actually want me to take it away.”</p><p>“And all of a sudden, you know what it is that <em> I </em> want?” Soobin scoffed. “Well what do I want? Since you know much better, tell me what it is!”</p><p>“Why are you getting mad at me?” Kai asked instead, swiping the folder from the table and holding it preciously in his hands. “This whole time, I’ve been trying to help you-”</p><p>“I don’t want your help, I just want you to, to-”</p><p>“To <em> what </em>?”</p><p>“To just <em> listen </em> to me! Stop trying to fix my problems, just stop- I know I have a lot of them! I can do it, just wait for me!” Soobin reached out with trembling fingers, pulling the folder free from Kai’s surprised hands. “I don’t need your- your <em> solutions </em>, I can do it myself!”</p><p>Kai grit his teeth and couldn’t find it in him to smile. It became so painful whenever they did this. “You can’t do it yourself, it’s okay to say that you can’t,” Kai said, pointing a finger at the folder. “I didn’t go out of my way to do this to you. It just <em> happened </em>. I didn’t ask anyone for their help! I never ask anyone for their help!”</p><p>Soobin looked confused at that, looking at the folder as if it were covered in ancient runes and dusted with poisons. </p><p>“Someone gave me this opportunity and told me to hand it to you!” Kai continued, feeling heat flush all the way up his face, so much that it made the back of his neck sweat. “Take it if you want- I don’t… I don’t know what to do anymore!” </p><p>Kai clenched his fists, feeling like however much air he was trying to get into his lungs simply wasn’t enough anymore. When he cried, the tears dripped down his nose, and each sob squeezed the air right back out of Kai’s chest until it made his shoulders rattle. </p><p>It was so cold. His fingers and toes didn’t feel like they belonged to him anymore, and even though he gripped their table, he couldn’t feel its surface under his palms. Soobin called his name, but Kai shook his head. It felt like the inside of his skull was filled with the same static noise as the rain made, slamming into the glass windows outside. </p><p>Everything that Kai did seemed to fail. He couldn’t keep himself happy, no he couldn’t keep Soobin happy either. The both of them were so miserable, but shouldn’t Kai have been grateful that something tragic didn’t happen to himself? He wasn’t the one who lost his job. He wanted to dig his nails into something and crush it; Kai wanted to beg the universe to tell him why he was feeling so much despair when nothing wrong even <em> happened </em> to him. </p><p>Soobin was crying too. </p><p>Kai could hear the other sniffle and shuffle around the kitchen, and even without picking up his head, he knew that the other had to have been doing something silly. Maybe Soobin was wiping the counters for the third time that day, or maybe he was hand drying all the dishes instead of putting them on the dish rack to dry. Everything had become so spotless. The smell of soap made Kai’s knees weak and his shoulders hunched in. </p><p>“Go take a shower.”</p><p>The world was collapsing, their apartment would be soon filled with the flood from the storm outside. The ground would swallow Kai up and spit him out where he deserved to be, probably miles and miles away. His parents would be so sad. If only Kai could get his legs to work, or to get any part of him to move, then-</p><p>“Kai-yah,” Soobin said again. There was a hand on his back, rubbing it gently, and one hand on his chest, and the sound of breathing by his ear. Kai followed it, feeling the palms go in and out, in and out. </p><p>Eventually, when the tears cleared from Kai’s face, just like rain clouds leaving behind a leaking, wet world, Kai picked his face up and saw Soobin, full of remorse. “Kai-yah, go take a shower,” he said again, rubbing some spot on Kai’s sternum that made him feel like a kid all over again, back when Soobin used to care for him like that.  </p><p> </p><p>So Kai went to take a shower. It was weird how things ended up like that. </p><p> </p><p>“I know, you’re just trying to help me,” Soobin later whispered. His fingers were warm in Kai’s hair, but Kai didn’t want to look at himself in the mirror. “I feel like a failure when I don’t do it myself. It doesn’t feel like myself. I hate… feeling like I don’t deserve it.” </p><p>Kai’s eyes were closed, but Soobin took his chin and tilted Kai’s face up toward the ceiling. Their plastic comb brushed over his fringe, and from how lightly Soobin brushed his hair, he could tell that the other was nervous. Each swipe of the comb was calculated. Soobin’s fingers sometimes grazed over the bridge of Kai’s nose.</p><p>“I don’t know what's wrong with me,” Soobin continued, voice weak and breaking. “I don’t think I deserve it. Your help. And I hurt you because of it, and I think- that should have been my punishment, but instead...”</p><p>The sound of the plastic comb slipping into the sink was just enough. Kai’s eyes opened and he saw Soobin holding onto the counter with one hand and holding over his mouth with the other. The older’s shoulders shook and shook, and even though the tears slid right over Soobin’s knuckles, he didn’t make a single sound. </p><p>Kai, who was sitting on the closed lid of the toilet, could barely register what was going on, but he found himself standing nonetheless. “I’m sorry,” he said, unsure of himself. Unsure of their situation, but Soobin shook his head. </p><p>“I’m sorry,” Kai repeated, wrapping his arms around Soobin, resting his chin on the other’s shoulder as the other continued to hold back his pain. </p><p>The both of them could be hurting simultaneously, Kai realized. He didn’t address Soobin’s pain, just as Soobin hadn’t addressed his. These months of walking around, tip toeing like a single wrong step would cause the walls to crush them inside all at once… </p><p>Kai was sorry because as much as he thought he was doing good, his actions were causing pressure and pain. Soobin uncovered his mouth and although his frame wobbled a bit, he wrapped one arm around Kai’s waist and cupped the back of the other’s neck. Kai’s hair was dry, and Soobin shuddered in one gasping breath, coughing a little bit.</p><p>“I’m sorry too,” Soobin whispered.</p><p>Soobin was sorry because this new situation and emotion had taken him over like a tidal wave, and the rain against the windows was loud for him too. He wanted to be useful, but he didn’t know how to do it. When the autonomy was taken from under his feet, he felt like he was falling, and the only way he knew how to hit the ground was to tell Kai to let him go. </p><p>Hugs don’t just fix anything. </p><p>Outbursts and tears don’t cover the pain they had caused each other.</p><p> </p><p>Soobin and Kai promised to keep each other that moment, years and years ago, and so they fought for this privilege of loving each other for more and more years to come.</p><p> </p><p>Kai’s hair is wet when he comes back into the kitchen and sees Soobin instead misting the plants on their too-small counter. There are some pans and a few plates from the dinner they shared earlier in the sink, and when Soobin walks by it to put the mister away, he hesitates in front of the dishes. </p><p>There’s a pause, just a second or two or three.</p><p>Soobin opens the cabinet, places the mister away, and looks to Kai with a greater hope in his expression. And Kai, recognizing what just happened, watches him with big, gleaming eyes about how finally, Soobin doesn’t let his breath catch over the dirty plates. </p><p>“Kai-yah,” Soobin says like a sigh, shoulders broad and breathing in air that doesn’t feel so cluttered and suffocating. There’s a firmness in his face and jaw, and light in his irises that Kai wants to catch with a net and keep in his memory forever.</p><p>“Yeah?” Kai answers, feeling pride and hope ring off the bones in his chest. </p><p>“Let me dry your hair.” </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I will maybe update this one day with Soobin's pov</p></blockquote></div></div>
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